You Just Can’t Win

My bank — which I chose because of its small size, online nature, and slightly-less-unethical-than-most investment policies — is “shifting its business strategy”. Which is to say, being swallowed alive by another bank.

Which institution? Funny you should ask. These guys.

I’ve been here before. A few years back I embarked upon a quest to find a phone provider, any phone provider, that wasn’t Rogers or Bell — only to find that every time I switched to a new carrier, Rogers or Bell would gobble them up six months later1. And while it’s heartening to see that my traditional faith in the raw power of Darwinian processes is not misplaced, I am now in the position of having to find another bank in which to stash my money. Any suggestions from fellow Canadians? Preferably something small, online, nimble? Even a credit union would do. But don’t bother recommending Bank of Montreal: I left those fuckers back in the nineties (after obtaining a written apology from them for stealing money from my account) and am unlikely to forgive them any time soon.

I hope something turns up. Otherwise, I’m going to have to take one of my crusty old socks out of masturbation rotation and stuff my savings in there. (Which might not be so bad, actually; no less an authority than The Economist has conceded that an old sock would have been far from the worst place to put one’s money, in light of recent events…)

1Ultimately, I’m pleased to report that that quest ended successfully, when I became a satisfied customer of a company called Teksavvy. Right up to the point at which Bell started throttling Teksavvy’s Internet traffic without telling anyone…

This entry was written by Peter Watts , posted on Monday August 17 2009at 01:08 pm , filed under misc . Bookmark the permalink . Post a comment below or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

9 Responses to “You Just Can’t Win”

  1. Someone actually tried to break into my online bank account a few months ago, but fortunately I caught it in time before they could do any damage. At least with the crusty sock option, there is a DNA trail to follow should the need arise. I tried tracking down the asshole who did it online, but to no avail.

    It’s scary how often banks fuck up when it comes to things like this. I can’t believe people still trust them with them with large sums of money.

  2. Actually, I think a credit union might be your best bet. I don’t know much about the Canadian ones, though.

  3. Maybe you’d be better off looking at banks in china. As long as you don’t mind them sending you withdrawals printed on botulism-infused lead and sent in envelopes made of roofies and dead cancerous aborted fetus skin.

    Cuz they do that, you know.

  4. I don’t know how they function for day to day banking, but I’ve had a large chunk of my long term investments with Credential Securities operating through 1st Choice Savings and Credit Union. Somehow I’m actually up 7% this year, and they claim they’re ethical…

    Anyways, says they operate in Ontario on their website.

  5. I use USAA, but I’m in the states so I don’t know if it’s an option for you.

  6. Remember that Darwinian change does not mean a better life-style, only the ability to multiply. After all, would you rather be a race horse put out to stud or a male angler fish (or a male praying mantis, or a male black widow spider)? Come to think of it, us males often get the short end of the stick.

    At least with your crusty sock, there are no service fees.

  7. Would you prefer to deal with the government directly, without the intermediation of a large corporation? If so, somewhere in TO I found what sure looked like a retail bank run by the Province of Ontario.

    Not sure I could find it again. A few blocks south-east of Queen’s Park, maybe, near the government book store?

  8. Speaking of Bell…

  9. i have a friend who works for desjardins, and they are not too evil, and my (writerly, socialist) friend richard banks with alterna, who are small and local and nimble.