What I said:
We come here today in defiance of biological reality.
We know that mammals are not monogamous (except for a few
species of meadow vole with abnormally high levels of endogenous
oxytocin). We know that monogamy is not the normal human state,
the self-serving claims of various religious institutions notwithstanding.
Women are inclined to trade up at the drop of a hat, and
men tend to indiscriminately fuck anything that moves. And we
know the odds when spoken vows go up against genetic imperatives
with 200 million years of natural selection behind them. We are
In the short time we have been together, we have faced down the
paranoid brutality of the US justice system; survived a sickness
that came within hours of ending the relationship, not to mention
my life; and withstood cancer scares both feline and Unicornian.
These travails would have wrecked the foundations of most of my
previous entanglements; they didn’t even rattle the windowpanes
of this one. Also, at the age of fifty three, I am having better and
more frequent sex than I’ve ever had before in my life (including a
decade of grad school).
If any couple has a shot at beating the odds, it is us. I have never
felt so comfortable and so safe just being myself in the company of
another human being. I have never felt so consistently challenged,
loved, and understood. And, if this does only last as long as the
typical failed marriage, at this point I’m so old that it’ll probably
take us to ’til death do us part anyway.
Caitlin, I have never made this commitment to anyone before. In
all honesty I never thought I would be able to. It took half a century
to prove me wrong.
And you and I are going to kick biological determinism in the balls.
Oddly, the Officiant seemed quite disapproving of the whole thing. She muttered something about e.e. cummings and ran off to the bathroom. We never saw her again.
So there you go. This actually happened over a week ago, but we didn’t tell anybody until yesterday when when we had vast numbers of three different species in our back yard (people in the evening; raccoons overnight; wasps this morning) with whom to share the news. So now it’s out there.
Caitlin assures me that hot groupies will henceforth find me even more irresistible, on account of being unavailable.