{"id":36,"date":"2007-07-11T12:14:00","date_gmt":"2007-07-11T20:14:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/?p=36"},"modified":"2007-07-11T12:14:00","modified_gmt":"2007-07-11T20:14:00","slug":"the-best-piece-of-prose-i-ever-wrote","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/?p=36","title":{"rendered":"The Best Piece of Prose I Ever Wrote."},"content":{"rendered":"

Oh, so much to report. <\/span>Readercon (at which I met some of you, who did not buy me nearly as many beers as I had hoped). <\/span>The Campbell Decision (which one might normally call “controversial”, except as far as I can tell, reaction has been unanimous). <\/span>The mysterious disappearance of 22 of the 30 reader reviews from Blindsight’s Amazon page. <\/span>Fan art (fan art!) <\/span>Sciency stuff.<\/p>\n

But in the meantime my bed frame split open and spilled several hundred bedbug exoskeletons across the floor. <\/span>The Canadian Wildlife Service needs some stuff done yesterday. <\/span>The apartment is a bloody mess, and I have a million e-mails to answer. <\/span>So instead, as a kind of placeholder, I am going to take Chelsea’s advice and go completely off-topic, posting The Best Goddamned Piece of Prose I Ever Wrote. <\/span>I wrote it while fostering for Annex Cat Rescue<\/a>, a worthy collection of cat-crazy people who spend all hours of the night laying live traps under box cars and abducting ferals into better lives. <\/span>I wrote this to help place a cat I was “temporarily” keeping until he could find a more permanent home:<\/p>\n

\n

Are You Worthy?<\/b><\/b><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n

<\/b><\/p>\n

\n

<\/b><\/b> <\/p>\n

Here’s where we separate the superficial kitty-huggers from the serious lovers of real cats<\/i><\/i>. Banana has had a really rough life. It shows. His ears are disfigured by frostbite, and by wounds sustained during the course of the world’s worst ear-mite infection. Several of his teeth have broken against the hard life of the street. He drools sometimes. He hides a lot. Scars and scabs and shaved veterinary clear-cuts range across his body.<\/p>\n

The fur will grow back, of course. The scabs are healing even now. And he’s a solid cat. Everything that isn’t scar tissue is muscle. His ears will be forever twisted, though. He is doomed to pad through the rest of his life being mistaken for a Scottish Fold.<\/p>\n

But what a heart he has. Oh, what a heart.<\/p>\n

Dragged from his refuge in the linen closet, he purrs instantly upon contact. Once you have begun scritching those twisted ears, he firmly and insistently head-butts you should your rhythm falter. Sometimes he will not eat unless he is being scritched; then he snarfs for a regiment (pausing now and then to glance around, as if fearful of the reappearance of old ghosts). When he comes to trust you he will lie on your bed with his belly to the sun and all four limbs stretched in ecstacy.<\/p>\n

This cat is a goddamned hero. If you’re looking for some cute and symmetrical plaything to go ga-ga over, something with the depth of Paris Hilton and brains to match, move along. You don’t deserve this one. But if you can provide a safe haven to a bruised and stoic predator, and treat him with the respect he deserves\u2014 if you ask not what Banana can offer you, but what you can offer Banana\u2014 then give us a call. <\/p>\n

Maybe\u2014 just maybe\u2014 you have what it takes. <\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

The calls started almost immediately afterwards. <\/span>I told them all to piss off.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Oh, so much to report. Readercon (at which I met some of you, who did not buy me nearly as many beers as I had hoped). The Campbell Decision (which one might normally call “controversial”, except as far as I can tell, reaction has been unanimous). The mysterious disappearance of 22 of the 30 reader […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-36","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-misc"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=36"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=36"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=36"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=36"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}