![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/10\/childbride.jpg\" "\\"childbride\\"")
<\/a>Fleeing Norway's repressive child-marriage laws, I escape across the mountains with my ten-year-old bride.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/10\/getaway.jpg\" "\\"getaway\\"")
<\/a>The Escape Pod<\/p><\/div>\n
<\/a>One of Uppsala's major downtown streets. The mayor of Toronto would regard the numerous bicycles as clear-cut evidence of socialism.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/a>We were told by our guide that this surprisingly-sunny archway featured prominently in many Ingmar Bergman films.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n
<\/a>I am willing to take his word for it.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/a>The architects of this cathedral were not overcompensating for anything.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n
<\/a>Linnaeus, the father of modern (precladistic) taxonomy, lies buried within. More on him later.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/a>In fact the whole damn place was infested with these memorial slabs, and the interred corpses beneath. It was actually a wee bit creepy.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n
<\/a>The 1% of bygone days could afford somewhat more luxurious accommodation. These 16th-century nobles obviously ripped off Peter Jackson's vision of Aragorn's crypt from Lord of the Rings...<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/a>...although others opted for less-idealized memorials.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n
<\/a>Not all of the Faithful could afford formal interment. This pilgrim was stuffed in 1763.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/a>All that said, though, the architecture surrounding this high-end mass grave was nothing short of awe-inspiring.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n
<\/a>I've said it before: can you imagine what could be accomplished if this kind of dedication was redirected to good instead of evil?<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/a><\/td>\n<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/a>Leaving the Cathedral en route to the Academy -- halfway between Faith and Reason -- we encountered this runestone. After stroking it, I found myself 20% more successful at picking pockets.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n
<\/a>The Gustavianum is now a museum. It used to be the beating heart of Uppsala University...<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/a>...Or at least, it used to *contain* beating hearts on occasion. This is where they were removed. Snacks were available along the upper level.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n
<\/a>The gift shop. My stepdaughters don't know it yet, but they're going to have the best Christmas *evar*.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/a>A primitive TARDIS from the 18th Century. When fully packed, every other display in the room fits into this box.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n
<\/a>This is a strip of human skin approximately one meter long. (Sadly for the Pones on Christmas, it was not available in the gift shop.)<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/a>Guess what this is. Just guess. Give up? It is -- I shit you not -- a drinking flask whittled from an EMBALMED HUMAN HEART. The Swedes really know how to while away those long winter nights. Don't fuck with them.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n
<\/a>Evidently the Swedes also have worse problems with head lice than most of us would consider normal.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
<\/a>Linnaeus sent his apprentices around the world in search of biological diversity. However, he evidently did not provide sufficient postage for the shipping of specimens in actual boxes. This fish was flattened between two iron plates and mailed to Uppsala in a manilla envelope. (I am told that they did the same thing with parrots, but the results were insufficiently tidy for public exhibition.)<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n
<\/a>Uppsallans are justly proud of their home-boy Linneaus; the streets are festooned with homage. This is a likeness of Carl in his younger days.<\/p><\/div><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n