{"id":1838,"date":"2011-02-24T17:30:30","date_gmt":"2011-02-25T01:30:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/?p=1838"},"modified":"2011-02-24T17:36:10","modified_gmt":"2011-02-25T01:36:10","slug":"the-irony-patrol","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/?p=1838","title":{"rendered":"The Irony Patrol."},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Let us start with the fact that I contracted flesh-eating disease during the course of getting a skin biopsy \u2014 that it was being all precautionary and taking proper medical care of myself that nearly got me killed. \u00a0That&#8217;s just the start. \u00a0There&#8217;s also this little snippet from the upcoming Crysis novel, my own words penned just a few months ago:<\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 90px;\">I\u2019ve seen bioweapons in my time. I was there when Egypt laid that pimped-out necrotising fasciitis down on the Syrians, back at the start of the Water Wars: You could see it eat the meat right off the bones in realtime, like it was some kind of Discovery Channel time-lapse. Those poor bastards died in minutes; the wounds actually <em>steamed<\/em> because the Strepto\u2019s metabolic rate had been cranked so high. They had to retcon a whole new suite of bacterial enzymes just to handle the waste heat.<\/p>\n<p>(Oh, and given the recent resurgence of misinformation in the wake of the cracked <em>Crysis-2<\/em> beta being released prematurely onto bittorrent, I suppose I should repeat yet again \u2014 for whatever good it&#8217;ll do \u2014 that I did <em>not<\/em> co-author that game script with Richard Morgan, despite what everyone and their dog seems to be posting. \u00a0I just did the novel. \u00a0And contributed a few tech specs.)<\/p>\n<p>Let&#8217;s move on to the night of the surgeries. \u00a0I was hallucinating for most of the time I wasn&#8217;t comatose, but they kept wheeling me past the big-screen TV in the waiting area \u2014 which, witnesses swear, was showing a biopic on one-legged amputee Terry Fox. \u00a0I don&#8217;t actually remember that particular movie; I do, however, remember snippets of the one that played earlier on the same channel, glimpsed briefly as they wheeled me from surgery to ICU. \u00a0There was a severed human leg. \u00a0On the shore of a Canadian lake. \u00a0Which was inhabited by, I kid you not, \u00a0a <em>giant squid<\/em><sup>1<\/sup>.<\/p>\n<p>I mean, what are the odds?<\/p>\n<p><em>My<\/em> leg, still unsevered, remains an open canyon. \u00a0The striped-bass appearance of the calf muscle twitching at the bottom of that fissure has faded; now it looks more like raw hamburger, or an uncooked taco that someone&#8217;s spat on. \u00a0(Not quite sure what to make of the white slimy film growing on the surface. \u00a0It seems a little too, too <em>structured<\/em> for my liking. \u00a0I think it&#8217;s growing its own nervous system. \u00a0And tentacles.) \u00a0Anyhow, tomorrow they&#8217;re going to be filling the hole with some kind of miracle gel, slapping a seal over the whole thing, and hooking it up to a magic vacuum-cleaner to pull the edges together.\u00a0\u00a0At some point I am expected to walk again. \u00a0In the meantime, at least the cats will stop lunging at me every time my calf twitches.<\/p>\n<p>I promised pictures. \u00a0I will deliver. \u00a0Still waiting to get the actual jpegs the doctor took during surgery, so you can get Before and After all at once. \u00a0Until then, all I can say is: \u00a0thank Christ for socialized medicine. I&#8217;d be either dead or broke if this had happened to me in the states.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><span style=\"color: #888888;\"><sup>1<\/sup>&#8220;Eye of the Beast&#8221;, in case anyone&#8217;s interested. A movie so bad that even bittorent returns no seeds at all&#8230;<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Let us start with the fact that I contracted flesh-eating disease during the course of getting a skin biopsy \u2014 that it was being all precautionary and taking proper medical care of myself that nearly got me killed. \u00a0That&#8217;s just the start. \u00a0There&#8217;s also this little snippet from the upcoming Crysis novel, my own words [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[41],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1838","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-flesh-eating-fest-11"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1838","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1838"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1838\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1845,"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1838\/revisions\/1845"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1838"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1838"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rifters.com\/crawl\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1838"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}